Trapped

Dear Debt,

I feel….

Trapped.
Stuck.
Barren.
Dry.

Every thing I do, you are there watching me, judging me. I never knew guilt before I met you, and now the feeling lingers with me like a bad stench I can’t wash out.

Every penny I spend, all the work I turn down, consume me with guilt. I am trying to find a balance, but I’m not sure how. I know things aren’t right, but I don’t know how to make both of us happy.

I can’t satisfy your insatiable hunger. These mind games have driven me mad.  Who owns whom? Who is in charge? My life is on hold while I cater to your every whim.  Dreams deferred, choices postponed, it’s always, ‘not now, but later’.

Later feels like an eternity but I guess I’ll just have to wait.

Love,
M

_______

P.S. My hope with the Dear Debt letters is to showcase the vast experiences and emotions that come along with being in debt or recovering from debt. Sometimes it’s not pretty. I read this post to my partner, and he remarked how bleak it was. I asked him, “does that take away from the merit of the piece?” He said “no”, so I don’t see why it matters.

I’ve been reading a lot in the blogosphere lately about ‘good’ writers and ‘bad’ writers. I would like to divorce myself from this dichotomy of thinking. I judge things (because we all do) by asking myself a few questions.

Is it interesting?
Is it honest?
Can I learn something from it?

To me, that is good, though I hate qualifying it that way. I think we get consumed thinking whether things are good or not, so we end up not pursuing our dreams, projects, writing, art, etc, because we’re scared of not being “good”. Good what? Good enough. Fuck that. I’ll take interesting over good any day. I want to strive to be better, but also honest. I am a work in progress and I don’t want to claim I am an expert, or that I have the answers. I can only speak from my experience.  On that note, I appreciate everyone’s perspective, as it keeps me going through the doldrums of debt repayment.

This week, I have two more dear debt letters to share, one that is more poetic, and the other a deep psychological thriller. I’m excited about all of them! If you’d like to give your perspective, please contact me . {end of rant/tangent} 🙂

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Melanie

Melanie Lockert is the founder of the blog and author of the book, Dear Debt. Through her blog, she chronicled her journey out of $81,000 in student loan debt. She is also the co-founder of the Lola Retreat, which helps bold women face their fears, own their dreams and figure out a plan to be in control of their finances. She is passionate about empowering women, helping others get out of debt, and focuses on the intersection of debt and mental health. Every September she organizes a Suicide Prevention Awareness Blog Tour, to help share resources for those struggling with debt and suicide. In addition to her love of personal finance, art and music, she is also a karaoke master and a cat mom to Miles and Thelonious.

Latest posts by Melanie (see all)

• Talking About Money and Mental Health - September 12, 2022
• Dear Debt, We’re Better Apart - June 27, 2022
• Announcing The Mental Health and Wealth Summit - May 4, 2021