Debt, I’m sick and tired of you

Dear Debt,

I am sick and tired of you. Even so, you are the one making me sick and tired.  Up until this week, I worked 35 days in a row with no days off.  I wanted to work so hard to get rid of you! To stay sane, I also booked social events almost every night of the week, with friends, bloggers, etc.

Somehow I made it work. Monday’s always seemed to be the worst, because it felt like my weekend should have started. But the idea of a weekend was an illusion. There was no sleeping in, no time to myself and I had to wrap my brain around my new reality. I knew that it was temporary.

I knew what I was getting myself into. I thought, I’m young, I’m a hustler, and I can do this. I can sleep when I’m dead right? The $900 in extra income was my only motivation and I could see my debt number dropping. I imagined working so much that I wouldn’t have time to spend money. Conversely, I compensated with overspending to treat my malaise.

I just barely survived working so many weeks in a row, until earlier this week I couldn’t get out of bed.  My head hurt, my throat hurt, my body ached and I couldn’t open my eyes. I called out sick. Thank goodness I have benefits now (hooray!), or else I would have another panic attack about losing money.

I slept in for the first time in what felt like years. I slept until 11am and then didn’t do much else. I took another nap at 3pm. All the while, I felt disoriented, heavy, and sick. I felt real pangs of exhaustion. There is only so much you can do on 6 hours of sleep a night, when you work everyday and your eating is inconsistent.

I am trying my best to work hard and make money so I don’t have to deal with you. But I am getting sick, my body and mind are under attack, while I let myself get consumed by you.

I am getting better as days go on, and I now have weekends free. I can have a “life” again. I have to find the balance, which seems so far out of reach.

Balance seems like a chore.
I feel like I have to be all or nothing.
I’m in or I’m out.
Balance seems noncommittal.
I want to prove to you just how much I care.

The worst part of all of this? I did this to myself. I don’t need any sympathy, just some good rest and some self-care. While I am thrilled at the extra money, it only took off one month of my debt payoff timeline.

Debt, you are just not worth it. I know we have difficult conversations like this all the time, but I can’t kill myself trying to deal with you. My health and my sanity are too important.

Love,

M

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Melanie

Melanie Lockert is the founder of the blog and author of the book, Dear Debt. Through her blog, she chronicled her journey out of $81,000 in student loan debt. She is also the co-founder of the Lola Retreat, which helps bold women face their fears, own their dreams and figure out a plan to be in control of their finances. She is passionate about empowering women, helping others get out of debt, and focuses on the intersection of debt and mental health. Every September she organizes a Suicide Prevention Awareness Blog Tour, to help share resources for those struggling with debt and suicide. In addition to her love of personal finance, art and music, she is also a karaoke master and a cat mom to Miles and Thelonious.

Latest posts by Melanie (see all)

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