I’m not going to lie, I’ve been a bit jealous lately reading everyone’s end of year updates and New Year’s goals.
My thoughts usually went something like this:
They make so much more money than I do! Sad face.
How were they able to pay off that much debt? I can’t do that. Sad face.
They did X, Y, ZZeverything in 2013?! I’m such a loser, I didn’t do half of that! Sad face.
This type of thinking is just plain sadistic, irrational and unproductive.
Jealousy is a pervasive and intricate emotion. It can really get under our skin and make us doubt the very core of our being. It can turn us into a real mean, ugly person. And who wants to be that person? I don’t.
So what should you do, if like me, you find yourself festering in this most unpleasant emotion?
Cool Off
Remember that jealousy is a completely irrational emotion. It definitely isn’t using the logical part of your brain so whatever you think during your spell of jealousy isn’t true about you or the person you’re jealous of. Write in a journal, go for a walk, and help yourself release the negativity associated with jealousy.
Get Inspired
Jealousy usually occurs because someone has something that you want and you don’t have. Maybe it’s a certain lifestyle, an income, a person, a career, or skills that you wish you had. Whenever I cool off from being a jealous mess, I think why am I jealous of this person? What do they have that I want? I write down the things that they have that I want. I then choose to get inspired by it, instead of letting it plague me with jealousy. This is a simple and effective way of managing jealousy. Let it inspire you and motivate you to accomplish those same things. If they could do it, so can you! They’re just a person, and so are you. We aren’t born with special skills, we learn them over time. It might be easier for some than others, but we all have the capacity to learn and grow.
Do Something
After making that mental shift, it’s all about action. Do something. Get up, move, write, jump, create, sing, study, practice. After you’re rid of all negative emotion, take it a step further and contact the people you might be jealous of. Be open to learning from them. Ask them how they got where they are and what steps they took to get there. Establish your goals, find a mentor and think of everything as a learning opportunity.
Be Realistic
There will always be people who are more successful than you, prettier than you, and make more money than you. The converse is true as well. That will never change. The good news? Just because someone is better at something doesn’t invalidate all your skills, strengths and good qualities. It doesn’t negate your potential for greatness.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
This is the hardest step in the process, and if you can master this one, I applaud you. We like to measure our success against our peers, but we can’t see the whole picture. Jealousy makes you focus in on one point of someone’s life, but you can’t zoom out to see the big picture of their life, flaws and everything. Learn to appreciate yourself and continue to push yourself towards who you want to be. Just because you aren’t there now, doesn’t mean you won’t be some day. Live your life for you, not in the shadow of others. Sometimes you have to beat to the rhythm of your own drum. Think of things you are grateful for. Gratitude has a great way of reeling us back in and centering us.
How do you deal with jealousy? Any other tips you’d add to the list?
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42 comments
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You will always find someone that is doing better than you. I find that being happy with my own life and what I have achieved is far more fulfilling than aspiring to be like someone else.
Good luck in 2014 – I am sure everything will turn out fine if you work hard and set realistic goals for yourself.
I am working on being happy with myself and working towards my dreams — and not letting it derail me, but rather inspire me that other people have achieved similar dreams already. Thanks for stopping by Glen and wishing you a great 2014 as well!
Awesome post! Love the tip about DO SOMETHING – it’s so true, the only way to make that change you want is to do something about it yourself! Also, love the new look of the site 🙂
Thanks, Kali. Action trumps everything in my book! It also stops your mind from completely going down a wrong path. I’m glad you like the look!
Oh that’s a demon I’ve battled with all my life. It’s funny what you mentioned you were jealous of. I might have fit into one of those categories…however, I get jealous when I see someone like you who is in a great relationship! Or everyone getting married. That’s stuff I want but don’t have. So I think when you get jealous of someone else you have to look at the whole picture. Hard to see that on something like Facebook, right? You only see the happy, shiny shit. But every person has something they want that they don’t have that someone else has. So you may be rich, but out of shape and just can’t seem to get motivated to exercise. Or someone who is “beautiful” looks wise, but dead broke. That does help keep things in perspective for me. Like Glenn said, comparison is the thief of joy.
It’s a demon of mine too 🙁 We all have things that look good to other people, but you are right we don’t see the big picture. There are always sacrifices or issues we don’t see. For me, it’s about being happy with who I am and what I have, but still aspiring for more. Letting people inspire me, rather than make me jealous has been hard, but a worthwhile mental shift!
When it comes to comparing yourself to others, here’s what you gotta remember: “Stop comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle”
I absolutely love that line! You are so spot on.
Jealousy is my biggest motivator. When I see that someone made this much or did this or that, then I think about it for a few and then step into action. You have to strive to big things in order to achieve them, so I like it that others are doing well. It keeps me going!
It’s nice to have someone who is more successful to look up to — showing you it is possible. Using it as motivation is key and I’m glad to hear it is your biggest motivator. You rock!
I wrote a post last year about how important it is to stop comparing yourself to others especially when it comes to finance. The more we compare ourselves the further behind we will be because our goals don’t seem as realistic as they should be rather they are based on what we think we need to have or be in order to be successful. Cheers Mr.CBB
It definitely doesn’t do you any good. It’s so important to be realistic and manage expectations from there.
Totally get it. I feel that way when people write that they are finally debt-free and I am still plugging away at my consumer debt. It is hard to not get frustrated. I just have to keep reminding myself that we all get to our finish lines someday, and I will get there eventually.
We will get there eventually!
I struggle with jealousy a lot. Mostly, it’s with my friends and coworkers who have no student loans. Which means we make around the same amount of money, but I feel like I’m doing so much worse. I just try to stay focused and open about my goals. And I try to remember that just because someone seems to have it all together on the outside, doesn’t mean they do.
I know how you feel. A lot of my close friends don’t have student loans and it’s hard for me to see how much they make and they can actually keep it. I was supposed to be the smart one who went to graduate school, but I’m the sucker in debt now. Boo. But hard work will pay off.
I’ve been battling the jealousy monster since discovering the world of PF blogs. Some of the bonuses, pay off amounts, paychecks, etc. are mind blowing to me. Why can’t *I* do that?! I’d always think. But I can, I just need to work harder. I’ve worked really hard to turn any jealousy into a form of motivation and it’s definitely helped me. Now I find these posts inspiring and it makes me try harder to be successful with my goals.
Ugh, I’m right there with you. I try so hard and it still feels like I am making peanuts. We just need to be fueled by jealousy not depressed over it!
Great post! Jealousy is something I’ve worked hard to avoid. I mean, its normal to feel jealousy sometimes but you can’t let it get to you and take away what you do have and what you have going for you. Be grateful for what you have and work hard to get what you want. That’s the most you can do 🙂
Yes, you can’t let jealousy control you or dictate the way you feel about yourself. Be grateful and get inspired!
Love this post, Melanie! I’m definitely susceptible to jealousy, both with PF’ers and real life friends, but I try to catch it quickly and 1) be happy for them and congratulate them and 2) just be the best I can be and not compare (Great point). I admit, I’m even jealous when I see all the side hustles you managed to pull off last year, both in terms of money and your energy! But, I know that you worked insanely hard for them, so much props to you, girl! 🙂
Girl, my side hustles are not glamorous. Sometimes fun, but not glamorous. I hustle because I have to if I want to get out of this mountain of debt. Sad thing is I have nothing booked so far for 2014 🙁 Last year at this time, I was booked almost every weekend in January. Things have dried up a bit, but trying to reignite some fires. I know you could do it too, Anna.
Great tips Melanie! I used to be really bad with jealously and I know I will sound like a total cliché for saying this but after I turned 30 last year, the jealous feelings just seemed to fade…a bit. 😉
I’m waaaaaay better than I was at 18, 25, etc. Sometimes it used to send me in a tailspin. Now I just realize it’s not worth it and came up with this method after too many tailspins, lol.
Great post, spot on! It’s hard not to compare yourself to other bloggers but I use their larger incomes to fuel myself towards increasing my own, rather than letting it drag me down.
I am trying to be inspired too– if they can do it, so can I! It might take me longer, but I’ll get there.
I’m not real good at this, either (ESPECIALLY with people who earn more than me, which is basically everyone barring those who live in low COLAs!) That said I recognise I had an unusual and quite outstanding 2013. I think you have a great attitude here, it’s always best to take those negative emotions and channel them into something more positive if you can,
I work for a nonprofit, so it’s really easy for people to make more than me. It’s hard to see, and I wonder where I could be without grad school, but I know it’s not helpful. Working on myself and getting inspired is the way to go!
I love the saying, “I don’t have to be better than anyone else…I just have to be better than I was yesterday.” As long as I’m growing, and improving…I’m good! Here’s to a fantastic 2014!!!
I love that saying! That’s what I need to tell myself. This is my ‘year of refinement’ so I am working on improving and making things happen.
I do tend to get jealous when I see how much people can afford in general, and how much they can put toward their debt. I don’t make much either, but I know I need to find other sources of income this year to accelerate my debt payments more. For the most part, I try to be happy with where I am and what I have. My weekly “being grateful” posts help me put things into perspective. I’m still relatively young; if I set my mind to it, I’ll get there at some point!
We still have time. I easily get jealous about other people’s incomes.I love your grateful posts and think it’s a really good practice.
Sometimes I see other PF bloggers and think, “How are they making 100k+ a year and I’m stuck here with 40k! Not fair!” And then I think that they are working jobs that I would suck/be miserable with. And I feel better! Not everyone can be investment bankers in their professional life. Doesn’t mean I cant have the same quality of life as them!
I would just love to know what it’s like making 50k you know? I like my job pretty well, and nonprofit people go into for the passion/cause, not for the $. But I would like to ramp up freelance. We can still have a great quality of life.
But see, you’re envious of someone’s else’s progress when I’m looking at you saying “she paid of 16k last year!! What did I do? :(” like mentioned above, we are all at different points along very different journeys, so it isn’t an east straight comparison. Even if it was, what good does it do?
I knew very well that writing this, that people could be jealous of what I’ve done too. That’s just the way jealousy works. Paying off that much has not been without struggle and I know you can do it too! But you are right we are on different journeys, at different speeds and THAT’S OK.
Great list here. I definitely struggle sometimes with feeling like maybe I haven’t accomplished as much as my friends, peers, fellow bloggers etc. I think what you said about not comparing and using others’ successes as inspiration are really good tips (and things I’m trying to do). I’m usually not jealous of others in a nasty way (well sometimes if he/she is a real jerk-wink), I just want to find a way to replicate or make my own success.
I’m right there with ya! I want to replicate their success and make it my own. I usually feel behind but trying to continue to make things happen and be happy with myself.
Everything you wrote is very motivating.
Glad you think so Adrianna! Now kick some ass, girl!
I can totally relate to this post. One thing that helps me stop comparing myself to others is the quote that goes like this: “Don’t compare your day 1 to someone else’s day 100”. You never know where that person is on their journey, and it’s just unfair to you to compare yourself to anyone.
This is something I need to be better at. I look at someone and think, wow why can’t I do that? But we don’t know where they are at in the process, or what privileges they may have as well.