Dear Debt,
I feel….
Trapped.
Stuck.
Barren.
Dry.
Every thing I do, you are there watching me, judging me. I never knew guilt before I met you, and now the feeling lingers with me like a bad stench I can’t wash out.
Every penny I spend, all the work I turn down, consume me with guilt. I am trying to find a balance, but I’m not sure how. I know things aren’t right, but I don’t know how to make both of us happy.
I can’t satisfy your insatiable hunger. These mind games have driven me mad. Who owns whom? Who is in charge? My life is on hold while I cater to your every whim. Dreams deferred, choices postponed, it’s always, ‘not now, but later’.
Later feels like an eternity but I guess I’ll just have to wait.
Love,
M
_______
P.S. My hope with the Dear Debt letters is to showcase the vast experiences and emotions that come along with being in debt or recovering from debt. Sometimes it’s not pretty. I read this post to my partner, and he remarked how bleak it was. I asked him, “does that take away from the merit of the piece?” He said “no”, so I don’t see why it matters.
I’ve been reading a lot in the blogosphere lately about ‘good’ writers and ‘bad’ writers. I would like to divorce myself from this dichotomy of thinking. I judge things (because we all do) by asking myself a few questions.
Is it interesting?
Is it honest?
Can I learn something from it?
To me, that is good, though I hate qualifying it that way. I think we get consumed thinking whether things are good or not, so we end up not pursuing our dreams, projects, writing, art, etc, because we’re scared of not being “good”. Good what? Good enough. Fuck that. I’ll take interesting over good any day. I want to strive to be better, but also honest. I am a work in progress and I don’t want to claim I am an expert, or that I have the answers. I can only speak from my experience. On that note, I appreciate everyone’s perspective, as it keeps me going through the doldrums of debt repayment.
This week, I have two more dear debt letters to share, one that is more poetic, and the other a deep psychological thriller. I’m excited about all of them! If you’d like to give your perspective, please contact me . {end of rant/tangent} 🙂