Hello to some new readers from the Globe and Mail! Welcome, and stick around a while. Congrats to Erin at Red Debted Stepchild for getting her dear debt letter published.

My main focus on my blog is to uncover the emotional elements of the debt repayment process that are often invisible in everyday conversations or glossed over in how-to, practical debt posts. All of those are valid, wonderful and immensely helpful posts, but debt repayment is so much more than strategy. I’d venture to say that you can’t even start the debt repayment process until you get your head straight. If it was as easy as following well written how-to guides, we’d never make mistakes in life. Emotions are the spice of life. Breaking up with debt, is just like breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband. There’s a painful grieving process that can take some time. Since I am in the process of dumping my debt for good, I thought I’d look at the 5 stages of grieving debt, my take on Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ 5 stages of grief.

Denial:

Not knowing your total debt amount.
Not knowing your loan interest rates.
Not knowing your monthly payment amount.
Not knowing due dates.
Complete denial of debt’s existence.

Living life as if debt is a complete stranger. A ghost in the background or an unattractive sidekick.

Anger:

Deep feeling of anger toward oneself, others and the system.
Regret, blame, feelings of irrational anger and jealousy.
Anger often comes through as resentment.
I resent that my parents couldn’t help me. Why do some people have it easier? No one has problems like I do and no one understands!

Bargaining:

Begging for some understanding or help from a higher power.
Please make this better. I need a solution and I need it fast. A cry for help.

Depression:

The solution isn’t coming.  Still drowning in debt.  Unable to comprehend situation and how you got there. How did it get so bad? Feelings of loneliness, isolation and not knowing where to start.

Acceptance:

Finding resolve and accepting actions and consequences.
Acquiring knowledge.
Finding a manageable solution.
Progress.
Empowerment.

I’ve been in every single one of these stages and it’s a hard road. I would remember times I wouldn’t log into my student loan account, just so I could prevent an anxiety attack. I would say ridiculous things like, “I’m going to die one day anyways, who cares?”. I am glad to say I am not in that place anymore. When you are moving through the stages, you are just trying to keep above water and not drown. It’s hard to face reality, and all the emotions that come with truly accepting your actions and their consequences. For me, going to school seemed like the “right” thing to do. When it didn’t end up the way I thought, I punished myself a lot. But as Girl Meets Debt said, don’t punish yourself.  It won’t get you anywhere. I promise. I used to think sulking and feeling bad about my debt was the right way to act, but really it was just a coping mechanism. Depression leads to inaction and passivity. Things always happen to you and you are never in control. Because of that, depression makes it easy to always feel like the victim. Moving from depression to acceptance requires you to acknowledge what has happened and face the hard facts. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

You are not alone. You are not A LOAN.

In short, breaking up with debt can be just as hard as breaking up with your partner. It’s a process. The grieving process must be taken on one’s own path, in one’s own time.

Would you add anything to the 5 stages? What stage are you in?