Dear Debt,
I am sick and tired of you. Even so, you are the one making me sick and tired. Up until this week, I worked 35 days in a row with no days off. I wanted to work so hard to get rid of you! To stay sane, I also booked social events almost every night of the week, with friends, bloggers, etc.
Somehow I made it work. Monday’s always seemed to be the worst, because it felt like my weekend should have started. But the idea of a weekend was an illusion. There was no sleeping in, no time to myself and I had to wrap my brain around my new reality. I knew that it was temporary.
I knew what I was getting myself into. I thought, I’m young, I’m a hustler, and I can do this. I can sleep when I’m dead right? The $900 in extra income was my only motivation and I could see my debt number dropping. I imagined working so much that I wouldn’t have time to spend money. Conversely, I compensated with overspending to treat my malaise.
I just barely survived working so many weeks in a row, until earlier this week I couldn’t get out of bed. My head hurt, my throat hurt, my body ached and I couldn’t open my eyes. I called out sick. Thank goodness I have benefits now (hooray!), or else I would have another panic attack about losing money.
I slept in for the first time in what felt like years. I slept until 11am and then didn’t do much else. I took another nap at 3pm. All the while, I felt disoriented, heavy, and sick. I felt real pangs of exhaustion. There is only so much you can do on 6 hours of sleep a night, when you work everyday and your eating is inconsistent.
I am trying my best to work hard and make money so I don’t have to deal with you. But I am getting sick, my body and mind are under attack, while I let myself get consumed by you.
I am getting better as days go on, and I now have weekends free. I can have a “life” again. I have to find the balance, which seems so far out of reach.
Balance seems like a chore.
I feel like I have to be all or nothing.
I’m in or I’m out.
Balance seems noncommittal.
I want to prove to you just how much I care.
The worst part of all of this? I did this to myself. I don’t need any sympathy, just some good rest and some self-care. While I am thrilled at the extra money, it only took off one month of my debt payoff timeline.
Debt, you are just not worth it. I know we have difficult conversations like this all the time, but I can’t kill myself trying to deal with you. My health and my sanity are too important.
Love,
M