Do I Have Post Traumatic Debt Disorder?

by Melanie

The other day I woke up from a bad dream.

In the dream, I was in graduate school (again) pursuing a different degree — this time on a full scholarship (yay).

As it turns out though, there was a fluke and my scholarship didn’t go through, and somehow I had $100,000 in debt.

In my dream, I was so panicked.

“Nooo!” I thought.

“I just paid off nearly $100,000! I have to do this again?”

I felt demoralized, scared, and daunted by the task of having to go through that experience once again.

I woke up looking around, blinking twice to make sure this was my reality. Living debt-free in Los Angeles, living the life I want.

Yes, yes, it was. A wave of relief crashed over me as I tried to forget the pain of being in debt.

It’s been over a year since I paid off my student loan debt, but I was in student loan debt for my whole adult life. I am just now coming to terms with what life without debt looks like. In many ways, it’s very sweet.

I have less guilt, less anxiety, and more freedom. I have more choices or access to them at least.

But in the year or so since becoming debt-free, I haven’t completely shaken the pain of debt. I’m still worried that something will happen and I’ll be back in debt.

Having medical issues this year stirred up that worry. Taking on a project like Lola has me concerned about managing my business finances.

I realize I think about things differently because of my experience with debt. I am cautious.

It’s like I got burned and I’m a little too scared to get close to the fire again. Though I am doing everything in my power to rock the debt-free journey by saving money, investing, and paying off my credit card in full every month, I still have these lingering worries.

Ultimately, I don’t ever want to be in debt again. I don’t ever want to feel like everything I earn belongs to someone else and can be taken away from me.

After paying off close to $100,000 in student loans and interest, I know that paying off debt can be trying on your finances, your health, and your relationships.

Though I have my freedom now, I want to keep it. So I acknowledge these feelings and where they are coming from, and try not to let them rule my life.

As a blogger, I’ve always tried to be honest about the emotions related to debt. It turns out that some of those feelings don’t go away — at least not right away — even when you are debt free.

Melanie
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10 comments

Hope Pond April 18, 2017 - 2:37 pm

I just paid off something big for me. In my dream someone told me I had one more payment; except I was in my college registrar’s office. They were telling students they needed one more credit… I woke up with sweat on my brow

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Melanie April 19, 2017 - 10:36 am

Oh goodness! Sounds so similar to my dream!

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Colin @ rebelwithaplan April 18, 2017 - 2:39 pm

I’ve been feeling this a lot since becoming debt-free. I’m scared something might happen, an unexpected thing, and I will be in debt again. Building up my emergency fund more is my priority right now. Even so, the scarcity mindset still lingers. Being debt-free is awesome but for some reason, the anxiety of being in debt again pops up every now and then.

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Melanie April 19, 2017 - 10:34 am

Glad I’m not alone! I am building my EF too and I know I’m doing the right things, but sometimes it’s still scary! I just think, “I can’t go back to that place!”

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Brent May 27, 2017 - 1:52 am

Hi Melanie,

Good one. It really is true though I think. Not just in regards to debt, but being poor. I was far below the poverty line the first 5 years after leaving home, and declared personal bankruptcy in my early thirties. I still have dreams of not being able to afford food or new shoes. They use to call it the “depression mentality” and once you have it – it never seems to leave. I’m in my early fifties now, and I’m still easily worked up if our family finances get hit in a negative way.

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Melanie May 29, 2017 - 8:08 pm

Thanks for sharing your story, Brent! It’s amazing how much the feeling can linger with you, even as years have gone by. I wonder if I’ll ever shake that feeling. I never want to be that broke or in debt again. It is truly anxiety-inducing.

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ZJ Thorne June 1, 2017 - 8:15 pm

My anxiety dream lately has been having to find a new place to live quickly. It only got worse once I spent the money I needed to for a proper bed that won’t hurt my back. Must re-build the emergency fund and hopefully the sleep will get better again.

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Melanie June 3, 2017 - 10:07 am

Yeah, that is tough! Think of the bright side… you had an EF! I know how anxiety-inducing it is to wipe it clean though and have to start over :/

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The Lady June 12, 2017 - 11:30 am

Even though I’m still working on paying off my debt, I’m in the best place financially I’ve been in a very long time. When I start to get anxious about all the “what ifs”, I think back to what I have survived in the past and how I did it. I count my blessings and try to beat the scarcity mindset monster back with my sassy attitude and classy ambitions! I hear ya, though. The panic is real.

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Melanie June 12, 2017 - 12:05 pm

Love your attitude! I am in the best position I’ve been in too — it’s hard to shake some of those old feelings about debt and being broke. But we can do it! A work in progress, always.

Reply

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