When I was going to college, I absolutely loved it. I enjoyed history, languages, arts and writing. As I moved into higher-level classes, I really enjoyed critical theory and thinking about things in a new way.
It was as if before I was in a protected bubble that had burst—I was now looking at everything from a new lens. I couldn’t discount my race, my gender, my class, etc in my experience. I was forced to face some uncomfortable truths that white people often take for granted.
After the initial pain and shock of expanding my mind, I was intoxicated by learning. It was like a drug. I minored in philosophy for a brief time, studying the Greeks, to Descartes, to modern philosophy (has anyone read Sophie’s world? It’s a fantastic intro to philosophy – and it’s entertaining). I liked philosophical bantering, and enjoyed thinking about life, experience, and things bigger than myself.
My undergraduate education really did change me in a lot of positive ways and in my opinion was well worth the money (23k). In my senior year of college, I thought about becoming a professor and getting my PhD. I decided that it would be best to go into the workforce first. I didn’t want all my experience to be academic with a side of minimum wage jobs under my belt.
So I started working for nonprofits, in the arts education sector. I learned so much during this time and got some great experience. After 3 years of working, and being seduced by the idea of grad school due to a recent trip to New York, I thought I was ready. I was ready to go to grad school, with the ultimate goal of getting an M.A., then a PhD. I wanted to be a professor and expand other’s minds in the same way my professors had expanded mine.
I wanted people to get excited about education and know that it wasn’t all boring statistics. If I learned anything in college, it was the ability to think critically and write coherently about my thoughts. Those things, while seemingly simple, are such a gift, and very much lacking in public schools.
My turning point came in the first three months I was in graduate school. I was still excited about the ideas, the theories, and the philosophies, but I always had this lingering feeling that I was wrong. It was as if I was paying so much money just to swirl around in a very incestuous idea bank, that didn’t actually promote free thinking, but wanted to replicate certain ideas and serve as discounted/free labor to tenured professors.
Having worked in nonprofits on the ground level, and actually doing things, I felt like academia robbed me of experiences with others. Academia can be a very isolating place. My program warranted many hours of writing, mostly in isolation, or my head buried in a book, or in front of a screen. After realizing I wasn’t going to apply to get my PhD, I was pretty depressed. I had made it all the way to New York, left my job and now I was only going to go half-way. But I couldn’t imagine continuing with school. I didn’t want my work to be read only by intellectuals.
So I had a mini-crisis about purpose, and intent. Is what you’re doing still important, if your intention changes? My enormous debt no longer held the promise of a “professor salary”, which I now know was just a fallacy, as many people end up serving as adjunct professors, or moving to South Dakota to get a job (no offense).
It dawned on me how flawed the system was. This was made even more apparent after my program was ranked #1 in the nation. Shortly after that decision, the school decided to cut the 8 fully funded PhD spots, to 4. I would say 75% of people in my master’s program applied and wanted to get into the PhD program.
I saw so many dashed dreams in academia. People feeling like their lives were over because they couldn’t study this one thing at a fancy school – their entire purpose derailed. People overwhelmed by the idea that they just got into $100k into student loan debt, and now had no options except to go to work; some with no previous job experience.
I haven’t really talked about it on my blog because it’s been so long since I made the decision not to pursue my PhD. I no longer see myself aligned with “academics” and I don’t want to entertain most of the ivory tower b.s. Like at any job, there are politics and personalities at grad school, too.
It was a painful realization to risk so much to then change my dream, but it’s turned out just fine. I’ll be paying for it for a while, but I think I’m much happier going this route.
Have your life plans ever changed significantly? What happened and how did you cope?
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22 comments
I went to school to be a teacher. That’s what my 2 degrees are for. As you know, I was a teacher for a few years but then I left my small hometown for life in the big city because being a teacher in a small town of 20,000 wasn’t for me. I applied to teaching positions over here but the market is very competitive. Needless to say my life plans changed drastically. It took me a few years to accept but I’m finally OK with it now.
I have many friends who went to school to teach and have never worked as teachers — and not because they didn’t want to. The market is so tough and yet so underpaid! It’s insane. I’m glad we are both ok with where we are 🙂
I took a few philosophy courses in college and enjoyed them; the professors were all adjunct though. Honestly, I loved psychology and pictured myself opening my own practice and helping others. Hearing the stories of my professors swayed me. The reality was it’s a lot of hard work, I would have had to dual major, and the pay wasn’t amazing. The more I thought about it I also realized it’s a lot of pressure! So I decided against it, minored in psych, and don’t regret it as I still enjoyed the classes. Still trying to work out a career though.
It’s so much hard work, with little pay and no guarantee. It’s crazy how undervalued education is. I only minored in Phil. briefly as it was going to push back my graduation date — I didn’t want that, so I dropped it, as I knew I couldn’t make money from it. Not that my degree in Theater would have made much more, haha!
I have a degree & post-grad diploma related to arts (theatre) education, but after working in that field for 4 years, I realized how much I hate theatre. I now work in academic support – which is the same job I had while earning my theatre degree. So, in a round about way, my part time job while in univeristy was more valuable to me than my degree.
I struggled a lot with the job transition, because my resume was too “arts” focused (and unfortunately, that was equivalent to “fluff”), but now that I have my foot in the door again, I’m hoping I can find the right role for me.
It’s funny, I also have a degree in theater, but moved towards arts ed, because I couldn’t stand the business aspect of acting and the humiliating degradation of being a female actress. Arts ed brought me back to WHY I fell in love with the arts. But with anything, there are still issues and it can get old, so I understand. I’m glad you were able to parlay your gig into something new. I worked in international education in grad school, and it got me my first job when I moved to Portland. I am confident you will continue to move up and transition into a good spot.
I work with graduate students- most pursuing PhDs or med school so I totally understand where you are coming from. As an advisor, I try to remind them that there is a real world out there that will still appreciate them if they leave the program “with just a master’s.” It’s funny what worth we assign a title and a piece of paper.
Good thing someone is reminding them there is an outside world! It’s amazing how much we put into a little piece of paper. But an expensive piece of paper with a lot of history!
Wow I didn’t know that about you and what you originally studied. I think a big life changer was when I moved to LA (the first time) to be a movie trailer editor. I thought it was the “big time” and I realized how much I hated it and everything about working behind the scenes in movies. It made me hate movies, and the people were evil and shallow. I went back to Seattle with my tail between my legs and had to temp as a receptionist for awhile until I reset my course in life again.
I am sure the movie industry is very interesting. I can see why you would hate it. Life’s course has a lot of twists and turns — I guess that is what keeps it interesting.
I’ve seen similar sentiments voiced online many times – do you read any blogs by people in academia, or academic escapees/refugees?
I’ve only read the Piled High and Deeper (PHD) page. What are some other ones? I’d love to check them out.
I loooooved college, I learned so much and for someone who loves knowledge and loves to read, I was in my element. I thought about being a History or English professor for a hot second, but didn’t want to take on loans to pay for the education to get there. I think about that sometimes…where would I be if I had?
Great post Melanie!
Thanks, Mackenzie. I can imagine you being a great teacher 🙂 Education is wonderful, but it’s become big business, and the beauty of it is lost in all this madness.
My husband is a physics teacher (yes and absolute dork), and we talk all the time (yes, I’m an absolute dork) about forces that are constantly acting on us and some of them are strong enough to change the trajectory of our course. Life changes are just a part of life, and in my 20s I fought them. Now that I am in my 30s, I embrace them and wonder where the next shift will lead me. 🙂
Life has many changes and it can come at unexpected times. I’m looking forward to more stability, but I seem to gravitate toward change.
Um, YES. Story of the last two years of my life. After I graduated from college, I moved to South Korea to teach English from a year with the intention of eventually becoming a high school English teacher. A year later, I came home and realized teaching is not my passion; therefore, I had to figure out a new career plan. I’ve toyed around with different ideas, but I’m still figuring it out.
It sucks when the plans you made for your life don’t work out, but then you realize it probably wasn’t meant to be and move on. Plus, it’s better to realize something isn’t right for you before you become knee-deep in it. For example, I’m really glad I realized teaching isn’t for me before I had already applied and paid for a credential program.
Glad you figured out it wasn’t what you wanted. It’s hard to start over again when you’ve defined yourself by these degrees, jobs and careers, then just to start over. But life is open! It’s not easy, but you can do anything. I’m in a related, but new field now and I never thought I’d be able to get a job outside of arts ed because I was “pegged”. It takes time, but sometimes the transition is worth it.
Some of those same thoughts occurred to me! Just realizing that all of us students were working towards mainly the success of another professor or graduate student made me somewhat frustrated. Seeing how much time and effort a PhD takes actually scared me away from my pursuing it and going towards it. I’m really glad I left with my master’s but feel maybe I should have left even earlier. But it really is a live and learn experience. You can only be happy to have escaped it after you’ve been in it for a bit.
It’s definitely one of those live and learn experiences. I was so sure that this was my path, but then it just didn’t feel right.
Wow, what an awesome story, Melanie. I have very similar one in terms of waking up and realizing that what I thought was good and real wasn’t but it was in terms of marriage. I called off my wedding to another guy 1 month before the big event. My world, his world, and the world of our families was turned upside-down, but it was the right thing to do and if I could go back and do it again, I’d do it the same way. Maybe I’ll write a post on this one day. 🙂
Wow! You totally should. I would have never known your story 🙂 It’s hard to rock the boat and change things so much, but at the end of the day, you need to do what you need to do.