Hello to some new readers from the Globe and Mail! Welcome, and stick around a while. Congrats to Erin at Red Debted Stepchild for getting her dear debt letter published.
My main focus on my blog is to uncover the emotional elements of the debt repayment process that are often invisible in everyday conversations or glossed over in how-to, practical debt posts. All of those are valid, wonderful and immensely helpful posts, but debt repayment is so much more than strategy. I’d venture to say that you can’t even start the debt repayment process until you get your head straight. If it was as easy as following well written how-to guides, we’d never make mistakes in life. Emotions are the spice of life. Breaking up with debt, is just like breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband. There’s a painful grieving process that can take some time. Since I am in the process of dumping my debt for good, I thought I’d look at the 5 stages of grieving debt, my take on Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ 5 stages of grief.
Denial:
Not knowing your total debt amount.
Not knowing your loan interest rates.
Not knowing your monthly payment amount.
Not knowing due dates.
Complete denial of debt’s existence.
Living life as if debt is a complete stranger. A ghost in the background or an unattractive sidekick.
Anger:
Deep feeling of anger toward oneself, others and the system.
Regret, blame, feelings of irrational anger and jealousy.
Anger often comes through as resentment.
I resent that my parents couldn’t help me. Why do some people have it easier? No one has problems like I do and no one understands!
Bargaining:
Begging for some understanding or help from a higher power.
Please make this better. I need a solution and I need it fast. A cry for help.
Depression:
The solution isn’t coming. Still drowning in debt. Unable to comprehend situation and how you got there. How did it get so bad? Feelings of loneliness, isolation and not knowing where to start.
Acceptance:
Finding resolve and accepting actions and consequences.
Acquiring knowledge.
Finding a manageable solution.
Progress.
Empowerment.
I’ve been in every single one of these stages and it’s a hard road. I would remember times I wouldn’t log into my student loan account, just so I could prevent an anxiety attack. I would say ridiculous things like, “I’m going to die one day anyways, who cares?”. I am glad to say I am not in that place anymore. When you are moving through the stages, you are just trying to keep above water and not drown. It’s hard to face reality, and all the emotions that come with truly accepting your actions and their consequences. For me, going to school seemed like the “right” thing to do. When it didn’t end up the way I thought, I punished myself a lot. But as Girl Meets Debt said, don’t punish yourself. It won’t get you anywhere. I promise. I used to think sulking and feeling bad about my debt was the right way to act, but really it was just a coping mechanism. Depression leads to inaction and passivity. Things always happen to you and you are never in control. Because of that, depression makes it easy to always feel like the victim. Moving from depression to acceptance requires you to acknowledge what has happened and face the hard facts. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
You are not alone. You are not A LOAN.
In short, breaking up with debt can be just as hard as breaking up with your partner. It’s a process. The grieving process must be taken on one’s own path, in one’s own time.
Would you add anything to the 5 stages? What stage are you in?
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22 comments
I never saw my battle with debt years ago in these terms, but it actually makes sens. I did get into denial (am not in such a big mess), anger and all the other stages and fortunately I paid it off. Being in debt for many of us is not a positive experience and usually, those who don’t make a big deal now, once they paid it all off will see a difference in how they see life and themselves. It makes you feel better to know you don’t have to pay loans anymore, to see your budget made up of every day expenses, food, entertainment, savings etc. and not have to ‘schedule’ a big chunk of your pay to send directly to your bank.
I cannot wait until I can put this amount of money into savings. And not feel so guilty for having some fun. I’m glad you got out of denial— it’s a favorite stage for many of us! I know some people say it doesn’t feel that different to be debt free, but I think after overcoming 81k in total debt, I will feel much different and for a very long time.
There was an instance in my life that I’m facing a very difficult situation and that was when my father passed away. Surprisingly just like in debt at first I was on a denial stage, thinking that it was not true but then came the acceptance stage that I need to accept it and learn to move on.
Kubler Ross actually wrote those 5 stages of grieving on death. It’s a very difficult situation and I am sorry you had to endure that. Denial is the easiest stage and one that can shield us from many things. But you’re right, acceptance it when you can heal and move forward.
“You are not alone. You are not A LOAN.”
That’s funny. To add to that, you don’t want to be repaying a loan for the rest of your life either.
For realz. Sometimes I wish I could be like my classmates and not care about my loans and have them “forgiven” in 25 years….but really who wants to be 52 and paying off student loans? I don’t!
I’ve been through all those debt stages as well and denial longer than any of them! But once you reach acceptance you can truly move forward and get the debt gone. That’s not to say you might not feel anger or depression somewhere in between, paying off debt can be a long process. But its sooooo worth it in the end! Great post!
Haha I feel anger and depression still to this day, but feel I have mostly accepted my debt and am trying to kill it as fast as possible. Thanks for reading and stopping by!
I think it’s easy to go back and forth through those stages while you’re still in debt. For instance one minute you’ve accepted it and feel empowered, then something may happen and you go back to anger. At least that’s how I could remember feeling. I think the 5 stages of grief can be applied to a lot of things. 🙂
Agree! I still go back and forth a lot, but try to keep it rational and level headed so I keep moving forward 😉
That’s interesting, looking back, I can pinpoint these five stages during the process as well, though I didn’t really realize it until now. Thanks for sharing and showing me that. I loved your statement “YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT A LOAN.” – profound, M!
I couldn’t believe I didn’t think of that, until I started writing it. It was profound for me as well.
First of all, congrats on getting a post published in the Globe and Mail, it’s a big deal here in Canada 😉 Second – this was a great post! I really do think your analogy of breaking up with debt is similar to breaking up with a partner and the 5 stages of grief apply accurately. I also love the “You are not alone. You are not A LOAN” You rock M! 🙂
Thanks GMD! It’s so exciting. I thought something was wrong with my blog because of the surge of traffic, lol. Debt can be just as bad as a breakup, but we are surviving and thriving!
Makes sense, I’ve been in all of these stages. I think I’m currently in acceptance but I can see depression’s not far behind yet. Hopefully once I find a job or some sort of side income I can dive deep into acceptance.
Keep at it and it will happen. Luck favors persistence.
Mine’s “acceptance”. I am not angry, I don’t regret, I’m not depressed. I’ve got a plan and my debt doesn’t stand a chance against it 😛 It’s just a matter of time, so I’ve learned to be patient. It will happen soon. All in good time 😛
So glad you are in the acceptance phase! You are going to rock it, girrrrrl!
This is such a great line: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT A LOAN.
I really enjoyed this post and I think it’s so important to get past the denial stage. Being knowledgeable of your debt amount, interest rates, etc. is key to getting rid of it.
[…] The 5 Stages of Grieving Debt by Dear Debt […]
The points you make are very truthful for a lot of people I believe. At first they think that it is not going to be an issue at all and they disagree with it until they do notice that it is a real problem that needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible.
I think there is at least a 6th stage – being able to laugh as you burn the credit card offers when they start arriving in the mail again. I don’t know who thinks being debt free doesn’t feel all that much different than being in debt. Perhaps those people weren’t on the verge of losing a home.