What the Worst Year of My Life Taught Me About Money

by Melanie

For months this has been on my to-do list to write. And I kept putting it off. Other things took precedence. Then things slowed down, simmered and came to a cool pace. But I still felt like I couldn’t write this.

Last year, 2017, was the worst year of my life — the dissolution of my 9-year relationship, physical health issues and scares, a mental health breakdown and business transitions. I was abusing alcohol to numb the pain until I finally went back on medication to manage my anxiety and depression.

I think I haven’t written this post, even though it’s already three-quarters into this year, because quite frankly, many of the issues from last year are still here.

It’s like I had the most intense emotional hangover and financial repercussions that lingered into this year. In May, after Lola Retreat, I had a mental health relapse. I made a poor decision and went off my medication because I thought I was better.

That’s the trick with antidepressants. Sometimes they work and they make you feel better and when you feel better, you think you can stop because you’re doing just fine!

I learned quickly that I made a mistake. I had fits of hysteria, hurricanes of anxiety and depression so deep I could hardly get out of bed. I cancelled some things I was supposed to go to. I had to ask for some deadline extensions.

After already feeling at my lowest, the next month in June, I dealt with yet another heartache after trying to love again too soon. That certainly didn’t help things and made me question my reality and my trust in myself in ways I’ve never experienced.

Once I got back on medication, I started to feel better. Recently, I was describing how antidepressants make me feel to a friend.

Let’s take a scale from 0-100. When you are at your lowest, you are at a zero. When you’re in fits of hysteria, mania, and inconsolable, you are at 100. Being on antidepressants helps me stay in a more moderate range of 30-75. I still feel. I am not a zombie. But I’m no longer drowning in depression or despondent with tears.

It’s truly scary to deal with mental health issues. Then, having personal and professional woes on top of that can make it worse.

Throughout last year’s mess and this year’s as well, I’ve learned a lot about money.

I’ve learned that money is everything and nothing.

After my relationship ended, money didn’t matter to me. No amount of money (or couples counseling — we tried) was going to save our relationship. No amount of money was going to get me out of this pain and heartache.

Suddenly, money seemed so unimportant. A privileged position, I know, and one that I’m grateful to be in. If I were still in debt, it would have made things significantly worse.

Though money seemed like it meant nothing to me anymore, it actually was everything in getting me through last year.

Last year, I got on a health ministry insurance plan — all my self-employed friends raved about how much cheaper it was! And it was. But there’s a clause that I didn’t really consider — that they don’t pay for mental health care.

So when I was having a mental health crisis my insurance with Liberty HealthShare would pay for absolutely nothing.

Because I needed help, I paid out-of-pocket for therapy at $50 per session. My psychiatrist was a whopping $250 per session without insurance. I was paying roughly $500 per month just on my mental health. It was outrageous but I could do it.

My insurance also didn’t end up covering all my medical bills. What would have sent me into a tizzy before didn’t phase me. I just threw money at it. Throwing money at problems feels so damn good when everything else seems to be crumbling.

Though I could afford to pay out-of-pocket for all of this stuff that I needed to get on day-to-day, my income actually had gone down.

Last year, my income went down 20 percent. It has gone down this year as well. When I started my business, I was on a trajectory to earn more, more and more money. From the low-income trap I was in to nearly six figures, things were looking real good.

And then life hit, and I simply was not able to produce or pitch as much. This year was much of the same.

I realized if I am not well, I don’t have a business. Though I don’t love that my income has gone down, I am not wearing it as a badge of shame like I might have done in the past.

I know why my income went down. I know I can make it go up again. But I need to get better first and I need to remember whether I’m making $20k or $100k that I’m still a valuable human being.

I still matter.

All of this reminded me that I’m running my own race, and to stay in my lane. There are so many other people in my industry making crazy amounts of money.

It’s easy to get envious or think you’re doing something wrong, but then I remember I am on my own path. I am straddling both freelance writing and events. I am managing this website and Lola Retreat’s website.

This is my own unique path and cannot be compared.

I have gone back to basics and simply been happy that I can pay for my rent, food, insurance and taxes. Though, sadly, I have not saved a ton for the past year and a half — and even dipped into some reserves — I have not gone into debt.

In some ways, it makes me feel like a fraud. A personal finance writer who isn’t saving like crazy and making bank. But I’ve never claimed to be an expert or perfect. I am simply human.

Throughout this time, I’ve learned what’s really important. Things that used to stress me out don’t bother me anymore. I realized that your relationships, your health, your mental wellbeing are fucking priceless.

I’ve learned that money is sometimes so meaningless and empty compared to life’s vastness, but I’ve realized that it can get you through the hardest times.

You can afford to get help. You can throw money at problems you don’t want to deal with or simply don’t have time to deal with.

It gives you choice. It gives you freedom.

It can even help you maintain the status quo. For example, I was able to stay in the apartment that my ex and I shared. I could afford the rent on my own. I could still feed my cats. My lifestyle didn’t change much because I had the money to maintain.

When everything is changing, sometimes being able to maintain some sense of normalcy can provide great comfort.

So even though my life has changed so much and I’ve been through the emotional wringer, my relationship and understanding of money has changed.

Money can be nothing. And it can be everything. It can be a tool. Or it can be an open door.

Melanie
Latest posts by Melanie (see all)

11 comments

Mary Ann Marriott September 19, 2018 - 5:57 am

I applaud you for “laying it all out there” Melanie and for your perseverance in the face of adversity.

Thank you for the words of encouragement you give us all. Thank you for being you. You are perfect in every aspect of your being. And we love you for that.

Reply
Melanie September 19, 2018 - 11:43 am

Wow, thank you Mary. You are too kind. I appreciate your words more than you know.

Reply
shannyn September 19, 2018 - 7:51 am

Hey Melanie, thank you for sharing this. Sincerely. My 4ish year relationship just came to a close and I’m navigating the financial and mental aspect of how this changes my life too, so reading this is illuminating.

I feel you on putting money towards what matters, and sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to get through. Last year, I dealt with a lot of home problems, went just about broke do to the house. I think that stress broke me, and it took a toll on our relationship.

I luckily made some extra money on the side that I will blow through replacing the furniture he’s taking with him, the tv and the mattress… and it sucks and it’s expensive but I feel lucky I have a bit socked away to cover it. Thanks for sharing this and sending good vibes your way.

Reply
Melanie September 19, 2018 - 11:42 am

Oh Shannyn, I am so sorry to hear this. I understand how the stress of all that can take a toll on a relationship. Our move from Portland to LA, and work/money stuff took a huge toll on our relationship. Ugh, the half empty house and missing furniture sucks. It’s such a constant reminder. I am just getting to decorating so it’s more “me” and I suggest you do the same. Make it your own now! Sending love your way too. I’m here any time you want to chat. I know how fresh it can feel, like a wound completely raw and open.

Reply
Mrs. Picky Pincher September 19, 2018 - 1:26 pm

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such an awful year. I hope you’re on the path to healing.

I just want to throw this out there: I’ve been using CBD for a year to manage my anxiety and depression. In conjunction with counseling and CBT, it’s made my life so much more enjoyable. I don’t know your specifics, of course, but I thought I would put it out there as a potential help.

Much love! <3

Reply
Melanie September 19, 2018 - 1:28 pm

I am on the upswing which is great! I am open to using CBD! I’ll check it out!

Reply
Stefanie OConnell September 20, 2018 - 4:51 am

I so feel you on that feeling of money being simultaneously everything and nothing. And on the income backslides. I had a very similar situation in 2017 and it made me feel terrible. Glad to hear you’re feeling better and hope I get to see you again soon!

Reply
Melanie September 20, 2018 - 5:17 pm

I am sorry you had to go through that too but I’m inspired as I know you’ve turned it around! Hopefully the rest of this year and 2019 will be much better, personally and professionally! I hope I can see you again soon too!

Reply
Jackie September 23, 2018 - 5:59 pm

Thanks for sharing this. It’s definitely good to be able to throw money at problems, and as you know not having debt to add stress is great too. I think there are a lot of personal finance writers who are not saving like crazy and making bank (me, for example) and there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone has their own path. I’m glad to hear you’re on the upswing — hope things keep looking up for you 🙂

Reply
Melanie September 26, 2018 - 8:56 am

So true! Everyone has their path and I just need to focus on me. I’m getting better and stronger 🙂

Reply
Zurainny Ismail November 19, 2018 - 1:17 am

Hi Melanie,
I was intrigued by a post on Oprah about your success at eliminating your student loans, and hence, I’m here to learn from you. You’ve achieved something that not many are able to within a short period – you are a special person. I’m certain you have the strength to overcome this period of adversity soon, too. Thanks for sharing. Sending lots of prayers of happiness your way! 😀

Reply

Leave a Comment

* By using this form you agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More