I started out this year with so much fervor for the year ahead. On January 1, I wrote out the three words I wanted to guide my year: bold, balance, and adventure.
I’ve seen firsthand how being bold and making bold moves can transform your life and career. In just a year’s time, I’ve been able to write for $25 a post and turn it into $250 for a post (not all clients, obviously).
The adventure part is also a big one. I’m planning to go to Las Vegas next month for 48 hours to hang out with Tonya at Budget and the Beach. Why? Because I can. She scored a free hotel, and the flight was a small portion of the reward points I had racked up. Then, a month after that, I’ll be in Spain and Portugal. I know, I hate me too.
But do you know what I’m absolutely fucking failing at? Balance. I’m doing pretty good with the other two, but balance just seems further and further away. I keep saying, “you need to make time for yourself!” and then when it comes down to it, I’m the last on my list. My business, blog, my boyfriend, my friends, the neighbor, the stranger at the coffee shop — all of them seemingly come before me and can take up my time and energy.
And I’m exhausted. Already. On one hand, I’m very excited that the BOLD part has resulted in some new, sweet gigs. On the other hand, I’m working harder than ever, because I’ve not made balance a priority. I’ve said yes to too many things and I think it’s time to make some hard cuts.
I’m scared of letting people down. I’m scared of pushing myself to a point where I cannot return. I know what I’m doing is not sustainable and the only way to fix it is by making changes. And that has to come from me. I can’t talk to my “boss” and tell them my problems. I need to sit down with myself and really focus on what I want, what I need, out of life and business.
Have you ever felt like you are just getting by? And I don’t mean financially. But you are scraping by, moment to moment, just hoping that nervous breakdown doesn’t pop up, or that some inconvenient event suddenly ruins your already-too-tight schedule.
I quit my job so I could have balance and I’ve worked so hard, yet I’ve found anything but. This is my dirty little secret. That I feel like a failure because I work so hard and feel like I have nothing to show for it. My relationship isn’t where I want it to be, my personal goals are out the window, and my debt repayment feels stalled.
I know it probably sounds like I’m just being a whiner and being too hard on myself. I probably am, but it’s something I’m working on. It’s hard not to invest your whole self into your business when you work for yourself. How can I not take everything personally? How can I not give 110% to everything, when this is my livelihood? When my name is on the line.
I don’t know where the balance is, but I know I need to find it. It’s so freaking hard for me, but I cannot put money first. Although the personal finance blogger in me says that is the right answer, the human in me is telling me to chill the eff out.
So, there. I’ve told you my big failure.
What are you failing at today? (I’m serious)